If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
