The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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