you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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