felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
