he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
