We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
