you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
