WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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