Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
