I'm going to jail i love you
wanna go halves on a baby?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
