My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
