Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
