Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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