dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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