I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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