Apparently you make a good broom.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
