And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
