Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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