i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
