how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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