Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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