but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
