I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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