so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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