i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I need to calm my uterus...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
