What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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