i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
