When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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