Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
