I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
