I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
