I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
