Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
