So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
