I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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