kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
