did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
