Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
