ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dear god my vagina.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
