my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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