I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
