remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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