people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
