Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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