Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
