Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
