my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
