You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
