i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
