apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
