Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
No more Irish car bombs ever.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
