My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
